I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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