In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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