It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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