The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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