I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
