I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
