I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
