it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
