I cannot find my penis.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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