someone threw a dead crab at me
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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