Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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