I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
