me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
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