There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
