Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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