Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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