just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
