So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
