now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
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