my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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