I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
