Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
