I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
