And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
