Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
