all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And then my night got REAL pukey
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
