he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
