I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.