i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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