Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go