So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
