My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Randomize
