I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
