That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
