Cold hands, warm shart.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
