I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
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