You smell like a Billy Joel song
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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