and my herpes radar will keep us safe
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow