The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
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Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
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If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS