be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.