Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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