we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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