The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
