I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
