Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
