Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
