I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
