he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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