Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
