I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
