things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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