Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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