So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
