i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
