I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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