i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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