I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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