This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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