I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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