i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Randomize
