Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
